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(Pope-Received
Transmission #007 In The (s(MU)r.ph.d) Class)
Greetings from Your Loving Pope Who Gracefully Bearhugs The Universe. Today we’ll continue our discussion on Paganism, i.e. becoming Pagan, staying Pagan, and eventually stumbling-into-the-bonfire-while-holding-a-forty-of-vodka-and-going-up-in-an-explosion Pagan. The important focus of this Divine Missive, however, is the code and general conduct expected from a Pagan within a magic(k)al community.
We’ll assume you’ve done your basic reading on the general subject of God/Goddess worship, and have contacted other Pagans using the information I presented in the previous article (How To Be A Pagan, Part 1). Now that you’ve made some new Wacky Heathenistic Pals, it’s time you learned how to act around, about, and on top of them.
THIS IS IMPORTANT INFORMATION! While attending Circles or Festivals and observing the occasional rude and inappropriate behaviour that occurs among some members of my Heathen Flock, I have often remarked to myself, “If only there was a Guide to Pagan Ettiquette.” Your Polytheistic Pope reached his limit one day after receiving reports that Gina Ellis (a greatly respected Witch in the Community), strangled a Jehovah’s Witness with her bare hands and didn’t INVITE ANY OF HER HEATHEN FRIENDS TO WATCH (a clear Pagan Politeness Faux Pas). I then took it upon myself to begin this section of the greater Work In Progress.
PAGAN ETHICS – SOME POINTS TO CLEAR UP
1. Sacrifice
Contrary to (Christian) popular belief, most Pagans are quite ethical. Many Christians would have you believe we perform human sacrifice. THIS IS NOT TRUE. The closest Pagans come to human sacrifice is the aforementioned bonfire + liquor = explosion + flying body bits equation I mentioned earlier, and we only ever to it to ourselves.
You may say, “But in history, some Pagan religions DID practice human sacrifice.” Well, yes, yes they did. The Aztecs were particularly notorious for their bloody practices. But for every Heathen Civilization that did such nasty things, there were scores of other polytheistic peoples who didn’t even come close to such ritualistic mayhem. It’s the same concept for Christians, basically: for all the relatively peaceful Christian peoples in the past, there were always some who delved into torture, forced conversion, and murder. Nowadays, fortunately, Christians don’t do that…they merely ask for all your money via television in the hopes that you’ll send all your cash to them and slowly starve to death. Much cleaner, and less blood to clean up.
Neither do we perform animal sacrifice, due to the simple fact we love animals. Oh, sure, we may not love them very much when, say, a Pagan’s cherished housecat sprays urine over the entire house, or a family dog goes into heat and howls like a unrequited, lonely & horny Pagan at a Festival for hours into the night…but we’d never kill them. The most we’d do is give such a pet to another Pagan as a “gift”.
2. Worship
There’s literally an almost infinite amount of horror stories amongst the ignorant concerning Pagan ritual practices. Rumors of writhing orgies to strange horned Gods abound, or how we line up to kiss Satan’s ass.
Nothing could be further from the truth. First of all, Pagans DO NOT believe in, or worship, Satan. Lucifer is a Christian concept, and we simply do not believe he exists. Oh, sure, we kind of like the story of how The Devil told Jehovah he wanted a happening place of his own…since to Pagans, Heaven sounds BORING. REALLY BORING. Lots of fluffy clouds, angels playing harps, divine choruses…c’mon!?! How does that compare to a hot pit of writhing naked bodies? Pagans LIVE for hot pits of writhing naked bodies!
And lining up to kiss Satan’s ass? Good Goddess, that Christian concept ALONE clearly demonstrates the ignorance of monotheism. Pagans NEVER, EVER kiss ass…unless we’re talking about a male/female Pagan Couple, where the female of said couple is deeply pissed at her male companion. Then, you’ll see a LOT of ass-kissing, on the male’s behalf. But the same could be said of almost any couple (religious or not) in such a case.
3. Magic ‘N Spells
This is a big, controversial area. Anytime a non-Pagan hears the words “spell” or “hex” or “enchantment”, they almost always attribute it to a curse. A true Pagan will never perform a curse, unless he/she stubs their big right toe on the unlit, invisible coffee table at 2:32 A.M. while on their way to the bathroom. Then, you’ll hear lots of cursing! And observe lots of dancing, too!
Pagans perform only beneficial magic. The Pagan saying, “An Ye Harm None, Do As Thy Will” is particularly appropriate here. Magics are for self-improvement, or for sending healing energies to others, or to stop your cat from spraying your entire house.
The closest a Pagan will come to any sort of aggressive spellwork is the creation of psychic barriers, i.e. a magical “shield” to protect themselves from negative influences. Such a practice can confuse people, especially the Jehovah’s Witnesses when they show up on your doorstep only to hear you scream, “Shields up to maximum, Sulu! We’re under attack!”
Pagan charms and amulets are also created for only beneficial purposes. Or, a Pagan may make a charm with Runic letters that spell out “KICK ME” or “I SUXXORS” to give to their non-Runic reading friends for a chuckle or two.
Basically, the closest you’ll ever see a Pagan perform negative magick is from those who consider themselves experts on the medicinal uses of various herbs but in reality know very little of the subject, who also feel the need to offer advice and “prescribe” herbal remedies to their unsuspecting friends. But that’s not evil, that’s plain ignorance…and such Pagans invariably pay for such hubris when they get sprayed with vomit and feces by said friends who’ve just gullibly swallowed seventeen grams of Kava-Kava root.
4. Spirits & Familiars
Wiccans and “Yer General Pagan Types” do not, per se, summon spirits. We call to them, invoke them peacefully, if you will…but never does one command a friendly Spirit to perform a task. And, since we are primarily God/Goddess-oriented, we call upon those manifestations of the Lord and the Lady, in all their Glorious Forms And Unions, in order to perform rites of Learning, Love, and Healing.
The only spirits in which we could be said to convort would be of the material alcohol types. And, to be fair, not every Pagan drinks hard at Festivals…only a very solid majority percentage of them.
It’s not their fault, really. Many Pagans, living in their grey cement cities for most of the year, naturally tend to, uh, “let loose” during the rare opportunities to get into the forest. That should be tolerated, and accepted…up until the point said Pagans begin to harm themselves or, more importantly, contaminate the communal Festival drinking water barrel…like a friend of mine, Rick Lutz (now presently a Security Goon at Kaleidoscope Festival), did one year when he vomited into it. Not a good scene, for Rick or observers alike. Not to tear into the guy, but for the love of the Goddess, I’ve seen him in some horrid states at various Festival mornings. One year he crawled out of his tent like a pissed-off undead gopher would crawl out of its hole after you unloaded a 12-gauge shotgun downwards. Why am I talking about Rick Lutz, security guy at Kaleidoscope? Because a) eventually it’ll get back to me, and b) there’s not much Rick can do about it.
And on the subject of Familiars: Pagans already have enough troubles with their housepets than to go to the trouble of summoning any more creatures to tear up their drapes, dump inside their shoes, and salivate all over their ceremonial gowns. And, believe me, a lot of Pagans go overboard in the number of pets they keep. One household I know of has three big dogs, two deranged cats, three hyperactive hamsters, and a freakin’ Amazonian Love Hug boa constricter snake. Getting any sleep in such a household is nearly impossible, as one lives in a constant fear of waking up to something either clawing, dumping on, or crushing you to death.
Besides, many of the traditional Familiars of the past would be inappropriate and inconvenient today. Like the Toad. Unless, of course, you manage to conjure up the famed Bufo Bufarius toad, also known as the Cane Toad. Take one lick or two of one of those honkers and it’ll be the toad summoning visions on your poor ass. Such a Familiar is very handy for a Pagan: they often set up “Licking Booths” at Festivals (I’ve seen such things, and it’s not a pretty sight…a long line of desperate Pagans, their bufo-stained tongues hanging out in desperation, clutching five-dollar bills for the right to lick a bemused, struggling toad for thirty seconds. If you think Your Pope is weird, just try dealing with the things These Eyes Have Seen.)
Right! Now with those minor points of ethical order explained, we can move onto the general day-by-day practices a Pagan should follow in order to live a clean, ethical life in the loving eyes of the Lord and the Lady. Read the following ‘Ethical Pagan Rules Of Conduct’ below. Pope Fez GUARANTEES that, if you take these moral instructions to heart, you’ll shine like a radioactive lighthouse in any Pagan community of which you are part. Trust Me.
POPE
FEZ’S ETHICAL PAGAN RULES OF CONDUCT
1. THOU SHALT HAVE NO OTHER FEZ BEFORE THEE, FOR I AM A JEALOUS FEZ AND WILL SMITE THEE TO…oops, sorry, that’s for another book I’m working on. Let’s try again…
POPE
FEZ’S ETHICAL AND CORRECT PAGAN RULES OF CONDUCT
1. As a Pagan, know that you live under the light of love from The Lord and The Lady. Know that they always laugh with you, and not at you, except in those cases where anyone would have no choice but to laugh at you, i.e. when you stumble down a forest path naked and drunk during a festival, attempting to copulate with elm trees.
2. As a Pagan, know that ‘What Goes Around, Comes Around’. This is known on the spiritual plane as Karma. On the physical plane, it’s known as a boomerang…and both examples have the ability to whack you on the head when you least expect it.
3. As a Pagan, have the grace to accept what you cannot change, and bitch about the things you can change but would rather have somebody else do it.
4. As a Pagan, strive to be part of the greater cyclic nature of the cosmos, i.e. if you blow out a candle too strenuously and get hot searing wax flying all over your face, accept the fact that you’ll eventually do it again and again no matter how hard you try not to.
5. As a Pagan, guide but do not proslytize others around you. Unless Pope Fez gives you religious tracts to hand out. Which, believe you me, is part of The Great Work. Then, I’ll have all your Heathen Asses in bus shelters and airports to Spread My Word And Make Me Money. In a Loving Way, of course.
6. As a Pagan, during Festivals accept that all rituals start at least half an hour late, that some idiot will always be drumming at five in the morning, and that Rick Lutz has vomited into the communal drinking water barrel (again).
7. As a Pagan, perform acts of magic for wisdom, love, and healing. Never use magic for personal gain over the misery of others, or to harm another out of spite. Even your ex-spouses (I know it’s hard, but a voodoo doll of an ex-hubbie with a large target over the genital region is right out, ok? Oh, stop whining.)
8. As a Pagan, have compassion to those who have not travelled as far along the path of wisdom as you have. This is known as the “Divine Suffer Me Amongst The Fools” rule. And, being a Pagan in a civilization capable of creating nuclear bombs, land mines, and ‘Arby’s Roast Beef House’, this is a particulary hard rule to follow.
9. As a Pagan, you are expected to be calm and blaise around nudity, while being allowed to check out other Pagan’s equipment from the corner of your eye.
10. As a Pagan, praise the Lordy and the Lady everyday, and ask them for understanding and compassion during your weak moments when you stamp your foot and whine at them about life.
So concludes this chapter of Ethics and Behaviour. Further on in this Guide we’ll be touching on this subject again, but for now if you find you’ve accidently broken one of these rules and have incurred the wrath of the community around you, just remember the Sacred Phrase Of Pope Fez:
“IT’S NOT MY FAULT.”
Just repeat that again and again, with a horrified-yet-innocent look on your face, and you can get away with almost anything. There? See? I’m a lot handier than that ol’ Christian Pope, aren’t I? AREN’T I? Damn right I am.
POPE FEZ
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