(Pope-Received Transmission #005 In The (Prime Rib Grade #1 Class)

by Pope Fez, Pope Of All Pagans, Emiritus Nacho Grande.

          Greetings, all good and faithful Readers. Prepare yourself for some true, occult information; what I'm about to reveal will be of immense assistance to you as you travel along your spiritual path. I'm introducing a special ongoing, work-in-progress "guide for beginners" in this column, aimed towards the beginning Pagan. Your Pope sincerely hopes it will help all the, ahem, "newbies" out there amongst the Questioning Millions. It is also my hope that I can continue to expand on this work, so your input on what you'd like to see will always make you Blessed in the Eyes Of Fez.

          If you are tired of floundering in a mire of deep philosophical quandries, this introductory guide could very well start you towards a destiny of fulfillment and enlightenment or, at the very least, will allow you to impress others with your obvious advanced development and get you laid.

          So, without further ado, here marks the beginning of:

"HOW TO BE A PAGAN"

(being an on-going work-in-progress as field study progresses. The Author takes no responsibility for the use of this information as in regards to its use to influence Pagans and getting you laid. Basically, if after reading this guide you decide to show up at a Women's-only festival wearing carpet samples on your thighs and screaming, "I Am Pan! Service Me!" because I said it would get you laid, it's your gullible ass, not mine.)

          Congratulations! You've decided to become a Pagan, one of those gentle souls who travel along the spiritual Path of the Lord and Lady, i.e. The God and Goddess, The Earth Mother and Horned God, She Who Must Be Obeyed And He Who Scrambles With Alacrity To Do So.

          A bit confused at where to start learning? Fear Not! It's your good fortune that I, Pope Fez, Pope Of All Pagans, have (by obvious Divine Serendipity) stumbled into your questing field-of-vision. For I have been there and done that, Heathen-wise that is, and I can only hope that the following information will stop you from making the same mistakes I did, such as how to avoid setting one's self on fire during a bonfire dance, and if failing that, what to do instead of just standing still and drunkenly watching the flames consume your legs.

          Hark! And Lo! You are Indeed Blessed, for deciding to begin your Pagan explorations the Pope Fez way. Oh, sure, you could start off with a more "traditional" Pagan beginner's book, one that actually teaches you the correct Sabbats and all that nonsense, but the real good stuff, the sweet red meat of Paganism, as it were, can only be found within this Sacred Guide.

          Good Luck! Or, as Pagans would say, "Bonne Chance Dere, Mon Ami!"

1. The First Step: Becoming Pagan.

          So, here you are. After deep research and deeper thought, you've come to the conclusion that the more mainstream religions just aren't for you. Christianity disillusions you, what with it's contradictory dogma and fat ruler-wielding nuns. You tried Dianetics, but getting probed with a variable resistance electrical meter doesn't do much for you. Buddhism seems cool, but it frowns on material wealth, and you plan to be rich one day (or at least well-off enough to drive a cool car to whatever church you eventually pick).

          But something about Paganism has caught your eye. Perhaps the thought of oneness with The Goddess brings a hopeful peace to your heart, or the beguiling thought of weaving magic to help yourself and others drives you forward, or the eternal quest of falling into a writhing orgy-pit of nude oiled-up Heathens is your personal vision. In any case, you've decided to delve deeply into the Five-Fold Path, but you're not sure where to begin beyond the books you've been reading. Where to turn to? How to contact other Pagans?

          Fear Not! Pope Fez knows. Put down that Llewellyn book with the unicorn on it with the real sad eyes, and go to these true sources of higher learning. By doing so, you will also come in contact with the Pagan community in your area (Goddess have mercy on your soul).

1. OCCULT BOOK STORES

          One of the best places to both buy books and meet other Pagans. You can immediately tell you're walking into an occult book store when the first overpowering wave of incense overloads your olfactory nerves when you take your first step inside. Another good clue is the glass counter showcasing various handmade goods...however, it will often be hard to see what's in the counter due to the fact that the occult shop proprieter will be leaning on said case looking intensely at you in the hopes you'll actually buy something so he/she can eat tonight.

          Many books can be found in these stores; look through them thoroughly. Many a spiritual treasure can be found if one looks hard enough, or at the very least you'll find a few books with pictures of naked Nordic Goddesses on snowshoes.

          While in the store, take note of who the proprietor is speaking to; it will either be another Pagan or a government taxation representative. If it's not wearing a suit, it's probably another Pagan. Don't be afraid to walk up and intrude upon the conversation; phrases such as, "Hi! I need a love-spell 'cause I want to nail this chick I know" often gets you noticed. Once you've got their attention, ask for a list of every local Pagan's address and phone number so you can "talk to them" about "stuff".

          If you don't see the proprieter speaking to anyone, indeed if he/she is slumped over their counter gently weeping after going over the monthly sales figures, have a look at the bulletin board. Every occult bookstore has one; it's the perfect place for dangerous Reiki practitioners to lure new victims into their clutches. Often these boards will have notices such as, "The Durham Druidic Circle's Drumming Workshop", and "Local Women's Coven Open Circle", and "Uncle Doug's Morning Reiki-When-You-Wakey Service".

          Choose a service or group that seems appropriate for you. Some notices may be of individuals who profess to be Pagan "teachers". Be wary of these. Any Pagan teacher who feels the need to advertise for students is often someone who needs justification in calling themselves a teacher. However, the converse of that is how does a true teacher find sincere students, such as yourself?

          This is why looking into a group such as beginner's coven, instead of an individual such as a teacher, is often the best first step. By observing a wide group of Pagans in all their glory, you can spot the sincere ones and, hopefully, the wise ones. At the very least, some groups will be an excellent education in how far consensual hysteria can go.

          If joining a group seems a bit too much of a first step for you, many occult bookstores host Pagan workshops every week, where each week a different subject is taught from the beginner's level. This is an excellent way to meet others both involved in the community and curious beginners like yourself. You can ingratiate yourself into the community by bringing food to these workshops; indeed, bring enough chocolate and they'll probably make you a god eventually.

          Oh, and don't make the mistake I made many years ago: occult bookstore workshops are never held skyclad.

          What's skyclad? It's not showing up at occult bookstore workshops holding your willy and a confused facial expression.

2. Community

          Well, you've found out who the other Pagans are in your area, and where they gather to trade information and vicious gossip. This is your opportunity to found out who the truly sincere ones are, since some may not have, ahem, "spiritual agendas". These include:

          - The "It's Cool To Be A Witch" type, often categorized by wearing 1,253 lbs of silver and amber jewellery, force-reading Tarot to complete strangers, and dropping phrases such as, "Well, I was at this workshop, and Starhawk said to me...". Best to avoid.

          - The "I Need To Get Laid" type, who profess deep spiritual connection to the Goddess while doing a lot of touching. Often seen leaping from one person to another, as soon as he (and it pains Pope Fez to say this, but invariably he) realizes that the person he's been hitting on has themselves realized what's really up, so to speak. Best to avoid.

          - The "Bunnies 'N Light" type, categorized by their wide innocent stares and total nievety. Somehow becoming aware of the Lord and Lady has blasted their brain cells to near annihilation, but in a loving way. Will incessantly talk on and on about karma and auras. Best to avoid, unless you need coffee money.

          There is no one true way to discover who the True Pagans are around you. In all things, go with your heart, and how long it takes for each individual to annoy you.

3. FESTIVALS

          The best way to meet other Pagans, and to observe them "in the wild". You'll never see a Pagan in more his or her element than how they deal with the forest around them. Often they may seem to do rather conflicting things in regards to nature, such as running towards electrical storms yelling for others to join them in ritual on the hilltop.

          But try to realize that if they've lived through it, you probably will too. Not that you'll wish for life while going through whatever Pagans put themselves through at these festivals, but at the very least you'll cherish the experiences you gather.

          Such as your first bonfire. Or the first workshop you really find personally rewarding. Or the first time you dive into the lake naked and your shocked testicles retreat up into your brain cavity from the cold. All of these are truly Pagan experiences.

          Festivals are truly the places to find others who can teach you, and to learn from the very event itself. Or, at the very least, get you laid.

(This concludes this week's update on "HOW TO BE A PAGAN". Further updates will continue towards the goal of a complete work suitable for publication, or suitable for something beyond wiping with, anyways. Pagans interested in adding their input and what they'd like to see are welcome to email Pope Fez via pschyopomp or at popefez@yahoo.com).