(Pope-Received Transmission #008 In The F(no)rd Class)
By POPE FEZ, Pope Of All Pagans, Emeritus Gruntledge. 

Greetings, Oh Pagan Searchers. You're progressing nicely in your "How To Be A Pagan" readings, and your aura is swelling everyday like a pimple on a chocolate-obsessed adolescent.
Now that you have a good ethical basis on which to peform your Heathenistic practices, let's get down to some practical nitty-gritty, i.e. TOOLS. No, not what you call your friends behind their backs, but the physical representations of ritual and worship that helps a Pagan focus properly in a Circle.
Note that, when all is said and done, a Pagan does not need any Tools whatsoever to praise the Divine Unity of the Lord and the Lady. On the other hand, such tools are invaluable in manifesting your concentration away from the genitalia of other Pagans.
Without further ado, let's explore together the following list of proper ritual Tools and how they should be used during a sacred gathering.


1. ATHAME
Basically yer small pointy dagger, this tool is used to draw off the sacred space of the Circle. It represents the male aspect, that of The Cosmic Schlong, and is also dipped into the Chalice (being the feminine aspect) to represent the Unity of the Gods and hopefully get the Priestess all worked up so you can score.
Many male Pagans like to find the longest Athame they can due to insecurity. But just remember, It Ain't The Meat, It's The Magic. Find a dagger that works best for you, regardless of size…or, better, let the Universe bring your Athame to you. This may occur while you are shopping in second hand stores, or when Uncle Lou carves the holiday turkey with a particularly beautiful knife that you tear away from his hands in order to wave it around your family. Or, you can mug a Sikh, since they usually carry real nice ones.

2. CHALICE
The aforementioned feminine aspect, that of The Uvulating Grasping Cosmic Vagina. It is the Source from which we all came, except lawyers, politicians, and collection agents.
In a Circle, the Chalice is consecrated and passed around so everyone may drink. Often filled with wine, please remember that the liquid is dedicated to the Gods, and is not there just so you can catch a free buzz. 
When you pass the Chalice, it is customary to look the receiving Pagan in the eye and say, "Blessed Be". Inappropriate statements like, "Yo! Try this wine spritzer schiznit OUT!" and "It's a good thing consecration gets rid of mouth herpes" are usually frowned upon.
Chalices are often easier to find than Athames, especially if you follow the Asatru/Northern Religion path. Asatruar don't use Chalices, they use Drinking Horns. This allows both male and female modern-day Vikings (read: maniacs) to each carry a Horn, which is handy for the near-alcoholism their faith demands.
And finding a suitable Horn is laughably easy for Asatruar, since they merely go to a leather goods store, or they have a horn snapped off in their ass when they attempt to drunkenly pry one off an unamused bull.

3. ROBE
Not really a Tool per-se, but an important part of any good ritual. A Robe allows one to become more properly in tune with the sacred surroundings, since wearing sneakers and a Fubu shirt with a large picture of an extended middle finger on the front is often not conducive to proper worship.
Robes can be made of many materials, as long as they are non-flammable. One will particularly want to stay away from using polyester material in their Robe, since any large flame (such as a bonfire) will basically shrink-wrap the inattentive Pagan in a very unpleasant manner.
Robes are particularly handy for proudly showing off one's genitalia while sitting down in a Circle. This may have good or bad effects, depending on personal hygiene and (for men) size. Be warned, though, that such actions may distract the High Priest or Priestess, who may suddenly interrupt a quarter call with the words, "Arnon, your willy is staining the shag carpeting".
Robes are usually black, not for any so-called "black magic" purposes (which does not fit in Wicca), but that black hides stains and candle wax very well. White robes are excellent for purification rituals, as long as you aren't eating spare ribs in the Circle.
Forbidden colors are day-glo orange, traffic-light yellow with happy faces, and pretty well anything with paisley. Your Pope has never personally seen any Pagan wearing a paisley robe, but if I do, I will violate both several basic Pagan ethics and the offending Pagan him/herself. You Have Been Warned, Heathen Masses.

4. CANDLES
Ah, one of the favourite Tools, if not the most, for most Pagans, due to the sheer fact of it's versatility. Different colored candles represent different aspects of magickal work: white for purity, black for cyclic death and rebirth, and green for money and power over those souls who will serve you in the afterlife.
The nice thing about wax is that it can be shaped into different forms, offering a whole area of imaginative creation. A candle shaped like a penis is good for fertility, a vulva-shaped candle for rebirth, and a skull candle to make everyone go "whoooo..neat! Where'd ya buy it?"
Remember that, when putting out a candle at the end of a ritual, it is customary to extinguish it with wettened fingers, or a ritual candle-snuffer. This isn't for any particularly sacred purpose, more so for the fact that every Pagan has coated his or her face with hot flying wax when they first blew out a large candle.

5. BELL
Used to summon people to the Ritual, since it can outlast an ignored Summoner's plaintive bleatings. Ringing a consecrated Bell helps to clear the air of any negative vibrations, man..uh, any negative vibrations.
Note that ringing the Bell while yelling, "Soup's On!" or "Graaaavy Traaaainn!" or "Look! Richard has an erection" and pointing will make the High Priestess tear said Bell out of your hands and glare at you.


6. BOOK OF SHADOWS
This tome contains the words and directions of the rituals a Witch uses during a Circle. Such a book can also hold recipes, tool creation directions, and pretty well anything else a Pagan feels appropriate to include.
Centerfolds are right out, mind you, and woe be to the Pagan who includes one just to see the High Priestess' face when she holds the Book Of Shadows sideways and "Miss BootyButt September" comes spilling out. Note that I've never done such a thing myself, as even Your Pope recognizes his limits and deeply, deeply fears the anus-tearing vengeance of Lady Pamela's vigorous right foot.
One doesn't really find a Book Of Shadows, unless such has been handed down through the family, or you're of the Alexandrian tradition and have some inattentive Gardnerian friends to rip theirs off from. (note to Editor: THAT should rattle the whiners nicely, eh? Heheheh - please erase this comment.)

7. BROOM
The quintessential symbolic tool of the Witch. Also know as the Besom, it is employed to "sweep the Circle", literally and figuratively, of bad and naughty influences. A Witch will sweep around the Circle three times, in order to clearly define the space and get that dustbunny that survived the first two passes.
Witches don't ride Brooms, of course. First of all, Brooms cannot fly, no matter how much you believe in "Harry Potter". Second, Besoms aren't very aerodynamic in the first place, as made clear in the "Besom-Javelin Toss" tragedy of the 2002 Pagan Olympics that claimed seventeen eyeballs.
Appropriate woods for a Besom are apple or birch, symbolizing purity and growth. Materials such as plastic and metal are right out, especially if the metal handle bears the logo "Hoover Industries", since (everybody now) Nature Abhors A Vacuum! Hehehe..oh, don't give me that look.

8. CAULDRON
Boil, boil, toil and trouble! What is it? Bad poetry, Captain. Ahem. Anyways, the Cauldron is symbolic of the progenitive powers of The Goddess, and when used during a ritual is often the central focus point. Excellent for divination by the smoke that emanates from it, or for the visions passed-out Pagans suffer when using a Cauldron in an unventilated room.
Very handy for making oils and essences, and a Cauldron need not be a large size. Indeed, an overly large Cauldron, while impressive, will only lead to "Cauldron Hump", an affliction suffered by the Pagans who insist on carrying a 75-lb cast iron pot to their Isuzu and back each Circle.

9. INCENSE
Burning substances that help set the proper mood in a Circle (no, not that burning substance…)
By associating certain moods with scents, a Pagan can quickly set the proper mind-frame by using a particular incense. A relatively "flowery" incense, like rose or lavendar, is very conducive towards healing magicks, while "heavier" scents, like oakmoss, can help meditation. Any incense that smells like propane helps to get a Pagan out of the house, away from the stove explosion.

10. PENTACLE, PLATEN
Often a small circular piece of metal, the Pentacle is used for grounding and bearing Heathen hors-d'oeuvres. Was once tried in a game of "Pagan Frisbee", with predictable horrific results.
A Pentacle will have a pentagram carved upon it, for obvious reasons. Suitable metals can be silver or gold, if you can afford it. Uranium is the best metal overall, however, as it glows very nicely in the dark.

11. WAND
A less "butch" example of the Athame, or the male essence. Used by Pagans regardless of gender, Wands are excellent for directional quarter calling, annoying the Watchtowers yet again, and pointing at someone with a ferocious raised eyebrow in order to Look Real Impressive.
Wands can be made of almost any wood, and some woods are more suitable for certain rituals than others. Oak, for example, is an excellent wood for strength and vigor in magic. Birch, being a "feminine tree", makes excellent fertility wands. Be careful with fertility wands, however, as many female Pagans tend to get skittish when you wave one around while screaming, "Everyone Get Preggers!!"

This is the basic list of Tools Every Pagan Needs In Order Not To Be A Tool. More examples exist, of course, but this is a good 'n proper spiel on the appropriate items you'll need. But, remember, like Your Pope states, to do magic one needs no Tools except Perfect Love And Perfect Trust. You won't find those at any store, only by accepting that Pope Fez is, indeed, Pope Of All Pagans, Even You. Pope Fez is, indeed, The Universal Cosmic Karmic Tool.

POPE FEZ

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