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(Pope-Received Transmission #002 In The (D.O.)A.
Class)
By POPE FEZ, Pope Of All Pagans, Emeritus
Lucidicus
One-God religions have always unsettled me. Hell, they’ve downright scared
me deeply and spiritually. It seems monotheistic faiths are so…unhealthily focused
with blinders on at the same time.
It seems to me following one God, and one God only, is kind of, well, limiting. Being Pagan and, by default, polytheistic, I like my choices. Some days, if I’m in a good mood, I’ll say praise to a peaceful God or Goddess like Inanna, an Earth Mother. If I’m in a bad mood, i.e. my cornflakes were soggy in the morning and no prize in the box, I’ll ask a vengeful angry God (not the Christian one!) in a suitable pantheon to drive my enemies in rout before me while I listen to the lamentations of their women.
It’s all about choices, isn’t it? The Freedom To Choose. And being
locked in a faith that only allows you to worship one God is kind of like going
into a clothing store and only being allowed to buy one particular kind of
apparel:
Pope Fez: Hi! Nice store. I’d like to see your
formal Hawaiian shirts, please.
Clerk: Sorry. Nope. You can only buy pants.
Pope Fez: But..but I want some Hawaiian shirts.
Clerk: Only, only pants with us folk. And you too,
if you know what’s good for you.
Pope Fez: Well..how about some pleated socks?
Clerk: No, you infidel! Pants! PANTS! There is
only PANTS!
Having
only one God immediately locks the person along that particular path to that
God’s viewpoint. If that God has some particularly bad traits, such as
insisting that all humans follow (usually) Him and no other God, then those
traits are exhibited by that deity’s followers. A polytheistic faith, however,
allows for many different traits and, therefore, viewpoints.
Let’s look at Christianity. I was originally going to talk about the
Islamic faith, but then I realized that the last thing I need to deal with is a
religious Faith against me. While I refuse to be censored, at the same time I
must be realistic in the fact that mentioning the word “Mohammed” without
writing an accompanying paragraph of praises while
bowing to the East will probably cause many sullen fanatics to try to stab me in
the brain. Ragging on Christianity, on the other hand, is relatively safe.
They rarely try to kill you, at least these days, and usually just thrust a
bunch of crappy religious tracts in your face.
Christianity is, well, monotheistic. Monotheistic in the sense that Mary,
Mother of God and the Saints are by-default worshipped as well, but that’s
beside the point. There is but one God, his name is Jehovah or Yahweh, and
Don’t Piss Him Off. He’s a jealous God, and people can only buy pants in his
store, or they’ll go to Hell. Ignore the fact that He brags on and on about
giving mankind Free Will; if you don’t keep boosting His Frail Delicate Ego,
God will pull the mighty Lever Of Retribution and the floor will fall out from
under you.
To me, that just doesn’t sound right, or even fair. Who appointed this
guy God? If you’ve ever read the Bible, you’ll notice at the beginning the
word “Elohim” describing God…but the word means MANY Gods, a pantheon.
Only until a little while later does Jehovah show up and say, “You shall have
no other God before me, for I am a Jealous God.” It sounds to ol’ Pope Fez
here that this God is kind of like a rogue God…He snuck away from the rest of
the more reasonable Gods to bully us little ol’ human ants around to make Him
feel better about Himself.
Let’s look at the Christian God’s bad points and see how they magnify
in His usually lucid, calm Followers:
#1. God Bad Habit #1: Angry; No Sense Of Humour.
Follower’s
Exhibited Traits: If you even try to make a Jesus joke to a Christian, such as
the one ending with the punchline, “Peter! I can see my house from here!”,
said Christian will look at you with great horror and indignation while
thrusting a Bible ¾” down your esophagus.
#2: God Bad Habit #2: Jealousy.
Follower’s
Exhibited Traits: There Can Be Only One, to paraphrase the movie, ‘Highlander
II: The Quickening’. Attempts at explaining that you only follow Oooh-Grah,
Lord Of Dance And Budgies, will only generate frustration and loathing in your
typical Christian. And that Christian will be jealous, too, because their God
doesn’t allow them to dance OR keep budgies as pets!
#3: God Bad Habit #3: No Fun Allowed
Follower’s Exhibited Traits: Everything that God wrote down as
“verboten” in the Bible turns out to be fun, dammit! Blasphemy, hey, we do
it all the time. Just try accidentally slamming your willy in the sliding shower
door and not curse the Almighty! Sodomy, great fun if you haven’t tried it.
Kind of like a carnival ride, whole bunch of screaming and bucking up and down.
Masturbation …c’mon! C’MON! Just TRY “loving yourself” in front
of a Jehovah’s Witness while answering the door! No sense of wackiness
whatsoever, those Elders!
#4: God Bad Habit #4: Smiting
Follower’s Exhibited Traits: History pretty well sums this one up. Just
look anywhere Christians have been in history, and you’ll quickly notice the
words “crusade” and “inquisition”. They seem to have toned things down a
little bit; at least they’re better than Fanatical Muslims. But, God help you
(and He won’t, because you don’t follow Him, Heathen!) if you’re a doctor
providing abortions under the Cosmic Law of the Right to Choose…then, you’ll
probably get a holy-water blessed .306 sniper rifle bullet right in your most
tender chakra point.
#5: God Bad Habit #5: Annoying People
Follower’s Exhibited Traits: Only go to church on Sunday. Follow these
Ten Commandments. Eat fish on Fridays. Read the Bible. Convert everyone around
you. Good Gods, people, it’s not what you DO in a religion, it’s what you
BELIEVE. A ritual is a just a framework to express your joy towards
divinity…why do you have to drag everyone else into it on a BLOODY SUNDAY
MORNING WHILE I’M TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOU KEEP RINGING THOSE INCESSANT CHURCH
BELLS!!?!?!
I could go on and on, and Lordy, I do love talking about Christianity.
But I hope you see my point: there are many perils to monotheism that, to me,
just don’t make it worthwhile. Let’s look at the joys of polytheism now:
#1: You Get To Choose
You’re a wacky devilish type? Worship Loki! You’re a loving nurturing
type, follow Isis! You enjoy being large, muscular, with the ability to fuse
people’s ribcages while hugging them, praise Thor! Match up all your good
traits with a God or Goddess, and you’ll only grow and grow like a
family-sized chocolate bar with an infinite spiritual creamy nougat.
#2: If You Piss Your God Off, There’s Always Another
Let’s say you follow a God of Justice, let’s say Tyr. You try to do
the right thing, but one day you screw up and do something that you just know
goes against everything that God stands for. Maybe you dressed up in a clown
suit and directed traffic, badly. Or got drunk and made a pass at Gary Coleman.
In any case, if you’re not feeling particularly ‘Just’ at the moment,
switch over to a more reasonable laid-back God, say Dionysus. Oh, sure, Tyr will
be mad, but run and hide behind your new
chosen Deity and you’ll Be Just Fine.
#3: Every Day Is A
Spiritual Holiday
Being Pagan means you can legally ask for ANY day off work, with pay.
Tell your boss August 27th is dedicated to “Mombaar The God Of
Ignomy” and if you DON’T get it off with salary, you’ll sue his and the
corporation’s ass off. As well as August 28th, since that’s
dedicated to“Gelpus The Hairless Mammal God”, and August 29th,
“Waning Of The Fairy Tributaries”. Oh, and the 30th..and…and…
#4: The Gods Are Just Like You
You think you have problems being shallow, petty, vindictive and
argumentative? We Pagans have many Gods like that too! For every ‘Happy’ God
or Goddess there’s one or two who are deeply, and I mean deeply
maladjusted. So if you’re psychologically healthy or about to drive your car
into a mall full of people under orders from the moon, we’ve got a Deity For
YOU!
#5: Better Religious Artwork
I think even many Christians would agree that much of the “art” in
their religious work is either really crappy and/or really scary. Oh, sure,
there’s some very nice stained glass out there, and the Sistine Chapel is okay
if you’re stoned, I guess. But the bulk of religious material is accompanied
by either deeply upsetting pictures of Jesus bleeding to death, or deeply
upsetting pictures of Jesus in his bathrobe surrounded by small innocent
children. Nowhere in Paganism do we support wearing bathrobes.
Pagan art, however, surpasses beauty by being part of a world-wide
tradition. And nowhere else these days can you find better examples of gorgeous
Pagan artwork than the covers of Llewellyn books (inside Pagan joke).
So, there ya go. For every reason why Christianity is deeply flawed,
there’s a supporting reason for one to engage in the Joys Of Polytheism. Try a
New Flavor, Worship A New God….Today and Everyday!
Well,
the Muse is starting to get premenstrual now, so that’s the Pope Fez Missive
for this week. If you’re Christian and I’ve offended you, go masturbate.
Always relieves my tension, and I don’t have to feel guilty about it. Hell, if
it WAS supposed to be Sin, would God have created my issue #52 of “Big Milky
Knockers” magazine? I don’t think so.
POPE FEZ, POPE OF ALL PAGANS.
