(Pope-Received Transmission #001 In The (D.O.)A. Class)

by Pope Fez, Pope Of All Pagans, Emeritus Omnipottamus

(Sing with a general Country 'n Western melody:)

"Oh, Capricorn women scare the shit out of me,

And the funny thing is, I can name at least three;

My ex-wife was one, and she was a Witch,

But being Capricorn made her one mean ol' ...

Hey! Whatcha say? Now ya listen to me!

Capricorn women don't take guff, gruff, or grief;

They'll kick ya, they'll stab ya, they'll hoof ya in the nuts,

Then suddenly they're horney, and act all like sl...

Whoa! Gotta watch it, there's Capricorns about;

And knowing my luck, they're in a full menstrual bout;

So I'll just play my guitar, or someone play it for me,

Cause the female year-end born are causin' me to flee.

So heed my last words, men both brave and both stout;

Those Capricorn women will make you scream and shout.

Sometimes in a good way, and sometimes in pain,

'Specially when they lodge a frying pan in your brain."

            As you can see from the above song-in-progess from my upcoming album, "The Philosopher's Stone Is In My Pants", there are certain Astrological signs that make me DAMN skittish. And, to be honest, the whole concept of "reading the stars" often  causes me to perform a "Kung Fu"-style flying leap backwards in suspicion.

            I fully believe that we Pagans are part of a greater Whole that connects us, bit by bit, molecule by molecule, with the surrouding Universe. But why does Pluto in the 11th Ascendant have to do anything with our chances of getting laid on a full-moon Tuesday? I don't consider myself a sceptic in the close-minded sense, but I just don't get it.

            It's all relative, though, in how much you believe in the system. The faith you put into a concept strengthens it in your own subjective universe. So, hey, if you want to believe that on a certain day 1/12th of the Earth's population should be more aggressive in financial matters, that's your right. But for me that's way too much of a generalization.

            At the same time, though, I have noticed certain similarities in people who share the same astrological denotation. Pisceans tend to be psychic, unlucky, and usually pretty screwed-up mentally. Taureans kind of plug along in life in their stubborn way, while Geminis (Geminee? Geminus? What the hell is the plural for that Sign, anyways?) are either doing their best to help you or they have their hands squeezed firmly around your throat.

            So how far can we take Astrology to help us in our lives? Well, if a reading helps you to look at your life in a new constructive perspective, it can be of great help. Like most other divinatory systems - the Tarot, the Runes, reading the innards of a gutshot 7-11 cashier - it's not so much trying to peer into The Big Ol' Future itself as to expand the mind to encompass the totality of What Is Possible. Getting a new angle on a problem that has been bothering you for a long time can be invaluable, and that's where I see the most benefit in Astrology, at least in these days of the New Millenium. In the 1960's Astrology was only valuable in the sense that if you asked someone, "Hey, baby, what's your sign?", you'd probably score some of the "Free Love" that was floating around willy-nilly during that era. Unfortunately, the last death rattle of "Flower Power" occurred when Hippies discovered RRSP's in the early 1980's.

            But let's try an experiment. I'm going to make some predictions for each astrological sign, using my massive knowledge of the stars, planets, and slowly orbiting Soviet-era experimental spacecraft with frozen Russkies inside. If any of these predictions come true for you, please send your observations to the Psychopomp Website. Hey, who knows, if I'm accurate enough, maybe I'll gain national recognition and get a show of my own! At least my on-air time would be better than deceiving a grieving person on daytime programming by saying you're talking to their dead Uncle Lou.

AQUARIUS: You will inadvertantly wander into a zoo closed for renovations and be surrounded by irate masturbating Colubus Monkeys. In financial areas, insert your spare change into the orifices of passing strangers, vending machine-style, in order to improve your "money karma".

PISCES: Don't get out of bed because, as you always suspected, Life Is Out To Get You. If you were Christian, Jesus would think you were a knob. Fortunately, the Lord and the Lady love and accept everybody, although they do think you should put on some damn pants, wipe the Cheeto dust off your 'nads, and get some exercise for once.

TAURUS: Be careful having bowel movements today, or you may "Pull An Elvis". Phone up a random relative and inform them that you've been traumitized for years over the fact they didn't buy you more toys made out of "Nerf".

ARIES: Face it, you're the craziest, most unstable Sign in the bunch. Try to act normal, though: you simply have to stop yodelling showtunes at bus-stops, as your local government is working on a by-law just to stop you from doing so, even if your performance of "The Mikado" is just this side of bearable.

GEMINI: Follow your dual nature by bear-hugging a dear friend one moment, then loudly insulting their heritage, faith, immediate family and accomplishments the next. Repeat until pummelled into unconciousness. Do this in a public area, preferably with many of their own personal friends observing.

CANCER: Skitter along a nice warm beach annoying lifeguards until you're picked up and served during the daily special 'Surf'N'Turf' meal at Red Lobster. This will generate good Karma in the Universe.

LEO: To maximize your love life, staple small bits of various luncheon meats to your body and hit the local single's club. Desirable potential lovers will stare at you, which is what you want.

VIRGO: Log onto Internet Relay Chat as "Jenny14" and you will meet fascinating people who are very interested in you and want to do interesting things to your body.

LIBRA: This is a very fortuit...fortoitou...lucky day for you! Gather up all your savings and go to the nearest casino and place it on "Red 23" on the roulette wheel. You Will Win! Astrology guarantees it! (legal note: This is not a guarantee.)

SCORPIO: You need to treat yourself today! Go and see a movie, take a walk in the park, or finally commit to those plans you've made on tracking down each and every person who's tormented you in high school and make them pay for it.

SAGITTARIUS: This is the best day, "star-wise", to buy a shotgun for Christmas. By doing so, you can cut down on gift-giving bills! During Xmas eve, go outside on your front porch and fire the gun off towards the sky; after doing so, go back inside and explain to your children that Santa Claus committed suicide and there won't be presents this year. Or the next. Or ever again. Think of the savings!

CAPRICORN: Get annoyed at a song written about your astrological sign and track down the songwriter. Confront him with your grievances and listen to his logical, informed explanation. Realize that his opinion is much more correct than yours and shower sexual favours upon him in gratitude and apology.

Well, there ya go for this week's editoral. I've looked into Your Future And It Is Good (cackle cackle cackle). If any of my predictions come true, inform Psychopomp, your nearest hospital, and the proper authorities. And if you're a Capricorn woman, STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME, because Astrology TOLD ME SO!

Pope Of All Pagans,

POPE FEZ